Preparing My Heart

Last summer, we sent our boys to a summer camp in North Carolina. My nephew had gone to the same camp when he was younger and said it was one of the best experiences of his life. I spoke extensively with my sister-n-law about it and I remember her saying "boys need experiences." It's true. Boys are made for adventure. So I agreed to send them off for a month! I was very nervous, I admit. A month without my boys? Every "what if" thought flooded my mind. Trust me, the protective mama bear was hard at work internally. But as I reflected on it, I remembered I went to summer camp for a month when I was in 5th and 6th grade. And I had a blast! I knew my anxiety was about me, not them. I knew that my boys especially needed this. My husband and I sometimes reflect on how much independence we had as kids versus what our boys have now. We SO over parent these days.

I know there are some reading this who would disagree. Believe me, when I told people my boys were headed off for a month, I could feel the judgment. Even my boys were reluctant. I prayed deeply about it and knew this was the best thing for them. Maybe not every kid but it was good for mine. So they went! And they are so glad they did. They learned to sail and got certified on their "skipper". They drove boats, fished, played golf, played basketball, pickleball and swam in the ocean (getting stung by multiple jelly fish). They took their guitar and sat on the beach in the evenings entertaining their new friends around the bonfire. They helped mentor some of the younger boys. To this day, they still reference what it did for their confidence. What I didn't anticipate, however, was what how it was shaping my heart.

I didn't realize how much just being their mom was my comfort zone, even with all my extracurricular activities. There was a big part of me that found peace in feeling I had a "watch" over my kids all the time. Then suddenly, there were no mouths to feed, no shoes to pick up, no stomping around upstairs, no dirty dishes. I didn't realize how much God would use this time to work on me. And I felt it! It was a tweaking and ironing of my soul. Especially when the camp called and said one of them was sick and in the infirmary with a fever but they were watching him and he was fine. I was not allowed to talk to them. They really wanted to foster independence in the kids. I got pics on their website every week and a few letters. But I had to let go of being there and trust someone else. I had to trust that God was with them and watching over them more than I ever could. And it was an uncomfortable tweaking of my soul. But a very necessary one. I know now that it was the best decision for them and they do not regret going in the least. I see what it did for their confidence and sense of adventure. And I also see what it did for me.

This morning, in my prayer and meditation time, I had this moment where I sensed some underlying anxiety because they will get their drivers licence at the end of the summer. They have been driving everywhere with me all year and they are doing great. But I thought about having to let go of that same false sense of control. There's a part of me that can't wait because I will gain so much time not being the family chauffeur anymore. But there is still a big part that has to let go. In hindsight, I see now how their camp summer was preparing my heart in the practice of letting go. It's funny how we often only think of the lessons our kids are learning but underestimate how much we are still learning and how much God still shapes us though their lives. How we navigate the moments of unbelievable gratitude to other moments filled with anxiety or frustration. We are always learning.

I have friends right now preparing to send their kids to college this fall. I know that day will come for me and with twins, I'll be sending two at once. Talk about a change! But these chapters are part of life and I don't ever want to miss what I'm learning through the story. That is what makes it purposeful. That is what feeds my soul. The moments. And when I look back, I see how I was being shaped into who I am.

Picking up at camp (yes the dog made the trip :) )